[Pc Stories] One Wishing One Could Restart My Life

[Potential Triggers] Before y'all ask, no I practise non select depression or anxiety. I've but of late turned eighteen as well as I'm unemployed as well as unenrolled inwards whatsoever school. I made this conclusion because I wanted to acquire my bearings on life as well as what I desire to do. I've decided on making a living off of art, but of cast that's really difficult to do. So my mom is pressuring me to acquire a job. However, I DO NOT desire to piece of work approximately other people. I'm autistic. And because I'm high-functioning it unremarkably doesn't impact me much. Unless I'm approximately unfamiliar people. The terminal fourth dimension I worked (and it was for a curt time) I honestly hated it. I had no catch how to brand conversation amongst other people, as well as I'm also a irksome learner. This made it tough because I worked inwards fast food, hence I had to last fast. But I couldn't as well as hence I got on a lot of people's nerves that way. It was stressful as well as I had no ane to inquire for aid or complain to because my social skills ruined me this way. I went to piece of work everyday knowing that no ane liked me as well as in that place was no means for me to railroad train it. I didn't fifty-fifty know that no ane liked me until my managing director as well as coworker told me most this. But that's fine. I could but bare amongst it until I'm amongst my actual friends. Except I select no friends, because I'm autistic. (Aspies tin laissez passer on the axe relate). BUT I practise select online friends! And I'm really dandy at attracting friends online because hence I won't select to worry most reading social cues, facial cues, or the correct affair to tell then. But despite all this, I STILL select problem amongst friendships online. Nearly every unmarried ane of my friendships ended because of me. Why? Because I e'er tend to lash out as well as acquire verbally aggressive. I've lost years one-time friendships because of my actions. But if I'm to last honest? They barely affected me. And the tiny chip of number I've experienced isn't what y'all think. I solely regret losing them because I desire mortal to verbalise to. I honestly don't tending for people unless they practise goodness me. I can't appear tending most fifty-fifty my electrical flow friends' problems. I allow them verbalise hence that they tin laissez passer on the axe repay me dorsum yesteryear listening to me talk. I honestly didn't tending for ane minute equally a friend for three years told me she didn't desire to last my friend anymore. And if y'all were wondering why? Because I was e'er starting drama inside our friend group. Every unmarried drama happened because of me. And I know why I elbow grease hence much drama -- because I desire attention. Growing upward I was abused as well as neglected. And piece ane of them but makes me endure quietly to myself, the other I concur against other people. I literally brand every unmarried conversation most me as well as if it isn't I experience hence terrible. Once I've felt hence terrible I've fifty-fifty used my dog's cancer equally a means to acquire attention. It failed. And y'all tin laissez passer on the axe guess what happened adjacent -- I lashed out at my friends for non giving me attention. So equally y'all tin laissez passer on the axe guess Autism isn't my solely disorder, I endure from PTSD as well as I'm pretty certain I'm Narcissistic too. And I loathe it. My social life suffers hence bad from these. Even but a distich days agone I was inwards a grouping chat as well as made 2 other people exit because of me. But I didn't fifty-fifty care. All I cared most was my reputation afterwards. And I'm hence tired of this. I desire friends but my demeanour as well as disabilities acquire inwards hence difficult for me. I desire to run across a therapist SO bad but A) I can't drive B) I'm piteous as well as C) My mom thinks therapy is shameful. I in ane lawsuit took therapy to cure depression but fifty-fifty that was hence curt lived because my mom stopped taking me there. I'm literally going insane everyday because everyday something happens as well as it's e'er because of me. I'm tired of running people out of grouping chats as well as I'm tired of all my friendships ending because of me. I literally solely select 2 friends correct straight off as well as they're both online inwards dissimilar countries. And I'm screwed if I mess upward these 2 friendships. I'm but hence drained as well as I wishing I was born without whatsoever disability as well as into a loving family. I can't convey myself to tending most anything at all. This is the solely house I could tell all this. I definitely can't tell my friends because in that place really is no overnice means of maxim "I don't tending most you, I solely tending most my amusement but I wishing I cared most you." I've tried using online/free therapists/counselings, called several suicide hotlines, as well as fifty-fifty used a texting hotline. Honestly, none of them worked. They solely knew how to bargain amongst depression as well as anxiety attacks. In the end, I really wishing I could recieve handling for this but ranting on hither seems to last my solely option. Thanks for listening.